If You’ve Been Hurt In Church…
Being hurt by people within the context of a local church community seems to be an all-too-common part of the Christian walk. The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect church… But there is such a thing as a healthy and life giving church community in which we find genuine relationship, opportunities to use our gifts for worship and service, Biblical mentorship and community impact. The unfortunate reality is that many people that have been hurt within church communities — by leaders, pastors, members or groups — begin to believe things about themselves as a result of their trauma. Moreover, they apply what they’ve experienced to every church and every individual and disengage from meaningful participation in Biblical community.
In full transparency, I’ve walked through numerous seasons where I have been hurt by people and leaders in church communities. I’ve wanted the people who hurt me to suffer and the cultures I’ve been hurt in to fail; I’ve yearned for a strange sense of vindication or justification. I’ve watched people that I love have to process difficult emotional, spiritual and relational pain. I’ve spent hours in therapy sessions after being mistreated by church leadership, betrayed by some of the people who were closest to me and left with nothing more than bittersweet memories and disassembled pieces of a very complex puzzle that included my key relationships, personal purpose and vocation.
All that to say, I get it… This post is for all of us who have been hurt in church. These are statements that I’ve used to remind myself of the truth of God’s design for my life and the sovereign plan that He is still working out in both me and the people who have hurt me; to learn to live again in purposeful community and to let go of unforgiveness and resentment that would seek to bankrupt the calling on my life.
I hope that as you engage in actively allowing the LORD to bring healing to your spirit and mind that you can say these things too.
God’s design is still for you to engage in a life giving community in which you can heal, worship, serve and grow.
When my kids are experiencing tension in a relationship with a friend or are being bullied in school guess what the last place they want to go is?? Yup, school. So I don’t blame you. Of course, the last place you want to go is back to a church community where you’re reminded of the people, leaders, teams or systems that have left you broken and hurting. What has become important for me to remember is that, regardless of my experience within a specific church community, God’s design is still that I live in community. It’s only in community that I can truly express my faith and be guided towards healing.
Paul’s encouragement to believers as they persevere in their faith journeys is to ‘not give up meeting together…’ (Heb. 10:25a). A quick survey of the New Testament shows the importance of a church community in the life of each believer. Allowing our hurt to justify disengaging from being a part of a church means that we are departing from the Biblical model of faith and stunts any potential for growth beyond our initial trauma.
The unique and special giftings and callings that God has placed on your life are not disqualified.
We would use the term ‘irrevocable’ to describe the gifts and callings that God has given us. That means that they are not able to be taken away from us. Walking in and out of anointing based on intimacy with Jesus? That’s another story. But commonly I find that people who have been hurt in church have allowed their trauma to convince them that they are useless and that their purpose is void. No one? Just me? Alright… I’ll tell on myself.
There have been moments where I have found myself procrastinating or avoiding opportunities to step further into the calling of God on my life because I attached the worth of my gift to the culture that I came from; a culture that I was mistreated in and expelled from. But that church community didn’t give me that gift… It didn’t call me into a life of purpose and an unimaginable destiny… That was Jesus.
Paul writes,
4 There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. 5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.
7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8 To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10 to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines. (1 Corinthians 12:4-11, NIV).
God’s plan is still to use imperfect people within His Holy Church to reach the world with the Good News.
My experience does not equal God’s plan. So often, as the years of hard conversations and broken relationships build up, we begin to allow our experience to dictate our theology. Where things become dangerous is when our view of the world and of our faith becomes more formed by our experience of imperfect people than by the Word of God. Scripture reminds us that we are all imperfect and on our own journeys of being transformed into the image of Christ. Regardless of where we are on that journey, those of us who would call on the name of Jesus are saved and make up God’s church, Holy in spite of those people who call it their home.
I don’t know about you but I’ve been grateful time and time again that God doesn’t stop using me due to my imperfections; that He chooses to reveal Himself through those same imperfections that have most likely left others around me disenfranchised or hurting. I’ve also been grateful to be reminded that my expectation of others to be perfect when I am clearly not is not only unrealistic but it exposes my own unhealthy mindsets even more. Does there need to be a focus on continual repentance and forgiveness as we recognize our imperfections and the effect that those can have on others around us? Absolutely. But does it mean that there is value in holding others to the same standard that we all realistically fall to? I think so.
Think of Simon Peter’s confession of Christ in Matthew 16. Jesus response is, ‘blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hell will not overcome it.’ (Matthew 16:17-18). Now compare that level of purpose and authority with the future actions of Simon Peter. God seems committed to using His church to accomplish His purpose on the earth in spite of very real flaws that its’ inhabitants possess.
Jesus understands and empathizes with your pain; He was misunderstood, betrayed and denied by those closest to Him too.
Already hurt in church by people and struggling to honestly engage in healthy community, we find ourselves alone and vulnerable to Satan’s number one method of attack: deception. He would love nothing more than for us to believe that we are the only people to have experienced this level of hurt or pain, that our situation is unique to us and therefore that no one can understand what we are walking through. One of the most powerful reminders in my life is that, in His incarnational ministry, Jesus experienced relational tensions and was ultimately denied and betrayed by people that were some of His closest friends.
It’s only when we allow ourselves to trust others — to be vulnerable and open with our flaws and dreams — that we open ourselves up to genuine hurt. Jesus’ closest people — the one’s that He entrusted with His deepest revelation — were the one’s that hurt Him. While church hurt usually means that we become estranged from some of the people who are closest to us, I have always found it comforting to know that Jesus walked through very similar relational tensions. Sometimes the greatest solace to be experienced is to know that you are understood and not alone.
The person who hurt you has the same opportunity that you have to live in repentance and fulfillment through the mercy and grace of Christ.
Again, let me just speak for myself because I’m sure no one else has ever done this… I have regularly sought to villainize the individual who hurt me, believing that their personal relationship with the LORD and any future endeavours or ministries will be null and void as a result of the wrongs they have committed against me or people that I love. There’s a deep and dark craving for vindication as I hope to see them fail — whether it’s professionally or personally — so that I can be somewhat justified. The only problem with that is the same mercy and grace that I hope to have extended to me when I have wronged people is also available to my offender. That’s not just a nice philosophy, that’s straight Scripture.
In fact, in Jesus’ teaching of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18, he makes it clear what the future of those who are unwilling to forgive a debt. The JSV (Jon Slater Version — unreleased for good reason…), is that the Father will throw us in a prison of our own making, unable to access the fullness of what God has for us until we engage in the same forgiveness that we have experienced. You might say to me, ‘but I didn’t do anything wrong?? I am a complete victim in this situation.’ Well, let’s hypothetically run with that as true… Did Jesus’ do anything wrong? No. But does He still extend forgiveness to you and I? Absolutely.
One of the most godly men that I have served in my life is a pastor named Craig Osborne. He was integral in walking me through one of my first seasons of church hurt after transitioning out of a staff environment in which I was deeply invested on numerous levels. And while there were genuine wrongs that had been committed during that season, there was also a level of immaturity that existed in me as an early-20-something pastor. Thankfully, Craig acknowledged and addressed both. I remember him sitting at a Starbucks, listening to me patiently as I listed off all of the transgressions of my previous lead pastor. I finished with what I thought was a very clever remark: ‘and he never even asked for my forgiveness… His office was only 12 steps away from mine and he never came and talked to me about what was happening.’ Craig leaned back in his chair as only he could and with a smile that I would come to recognize as nothing less than Holy Spirit inspiration said, ‘you know, if he was only 12 steps away from your office that means that you were also only 12 steps away from his.’
And integral part of your healing is walking in forgiveness. This, for the sake of your personal, spiritual and relational health as well as the vitality of the call of God on your life, will most likely have to happen before you ever receive an apology. In fact, you may NEVER receive an apology or even an acknowledgement of the ways that you were hurt by an individual. Perhaps they don’t realize that their words or action hurt you in a significant way. I think that there is Biblical precedent in communicating your pain and hurt with that individual (re-read Matthew 18) but I understand that there isn’t always the time, space, permission or maturity to be able to do that. I think, more often than not, the individual doesn’t have the maturity or desire to come to you and ask for forgiveness. Ultimately, that is going to be between them and the LORD.
The church in which you were hurt will continue and maybe even flourish; Holy in spite of the flaws of its members or leaders.
At the risk of telling too many stories to illustrate my thoughts — I mean, Jesus was a master of the parable so I’m just trying to get my reps in…
I remember sitting in a pub with one of my best friends around 9 months after leaving a staff situation that was toxic and unhealthy. I was a young pastor who had unceremoniously dismissed after months of relational tension and finally submitting my resignation with a short-term transition strategy. The response of my former lead pastor was to send me home that day after submitting my keys, shredding my church credit card, packing up my personal effects and wiping my computer with a clear ‘you are not welcomed back until your last Sunday in two weeks’. It was my first personal experience with being hurt in church. I moved to a new city and was given an opportunity to step into a new church environment relatively quickly. And here I sat, the better part of a year later still talking to my friend about how trash that leader was and how that church, which was in decline, was getting what they deserved.
Eventually, He looked up at me from his drink with an exasperated sigh and said, ‘dude… You sound like a guy who can’t get over his ex. You’ve moved on but you can’t even wish them health and good fortune. It’s sad.’
While the metaphor might not be perfect, the hard truth definitely cut to my spirit. Regardless of the retrospect reality that I had a very real role to play in the breakdown of the relationship between me and that lead pastor, I was now that sad excuse for a man who just wanted to trash talk his ‘ex’ and was clearly stuck in the aftermath of a former season.
While this an extension of some of the ground that we’ve already covered, I do think there’s something to be said for practically exercising disciplines that you might use if you broke up with a former boyfriend or girlfriend. Don’t be that person always following up with their ex on social media and asking mutual friends ‘how they’re really doing.’ God’s plan for His church — that He is building — goes beyond anyone individual, including you and I.
The people who watched your trauma and stayed in that culture don’t hate you… They simply have not shared your experience and cannot truly empathize with your pain.
I think there are good reasons to leave a church. Reconciliation, in spite of forgiveness and healing, may not always be possible. Trust may have been broken beyond repair or there may conflicting view points or values. In the majority of instances that I have seen or experienced, genuine church hurt does cause at least one party to go into a season of transition; hopefully, in search of a new community to belong to.
Commonly, there are people in the church that we were close with, served alongside of or were in intentional community with — perhaps were on staff with us, shared meaningful life moments with us, celebrated milestones next to us — who are now still a part of that church community. Our initial hope, whether conscious or otherwise, is that those people will see the injustice that we have walked through, the hurt that we have experienced, and choose to walk away from that culture with us. Sometimes that happens, but commonly it doesn’t.
The hard truth to wrestle with is that — in most instances — those people haven’t betrayed you, they don’t hate you and they aren’t actively seeking to find ways of discrediting your pain or hurt. They simply didn’t share the same proximity or perspective of experience that we did and therefore cannot truly empathize with the pain that we experienced. The internal narrative that we begin to create for ourselves in a place of isolation or hurt leads us to those feeling though, right? Feelings of betrayal and hatred that lead to resentment and bitterness and cause us to avoid sections of grocery stores, cancel gym memberships, block old friends on Instagram or drop kids off at different entrances to school.
As in many areas of life, my encouragement would be to exercise communication and grace. Try to understand their perspective and resonate with how it would feel to be stuck between a close relationship with someone who experienced a unique hurt and a church community in which they are deeply invested in. While you may never be as close with those people as you to be purely for the sake of proximity, the goal is to not carry bitterness with you into future relationships and, hopefully, to be able to enjoy moments of reconciliation with those people, remember better times and celebrate the good that did happen in that season.
Hard conversations call for strange blog endings. Odds are, if you’ve read through this blog post, you’ve experienced a degree of hurt within a church community. I would love to take a moment and lead you in praying a prayer that has been prayed alongside of me.
LORD, I choose to say thank you for your church. Thank you that in spite of its flaws you call it holy, just as you do with me and my flaws. I willfully choose to extend forgiveness to the people who hurt me and partner with your Word as my guide to life, not allowing my experiences or emotions to have the final say. Holy Spirit would bring supernatural healing to me and my family and would you lead us into true reconciliation and meaningful community again. I believe that the church is Yours — You started it, You’re building it, You’re coming back for it. Thank you that You are faithful to Your Word in all areas and that I can trust that in the same way the things that You’ve started in me You will see to fulfillment. I believe but help me in my place of unbelief. Amen.
